I was really apprehensive about spending so much time away from Clark and Remmy. I was trying to pretend that it would be fine but as the time for them to leave came closer I had to keep giving myself pep talks and positive mantras to repeat to myself. The last time Clark was gone for more than a night we were living in Virgina and life was rough. I was afraid all that sadness and loneliness would just come flooding back.

But although I missed them every day I was glad to see the affirmation that my life is different now. I was busy with lots of work, volunteering, I had a gym with friendly faces and warm hugs to attend and I also had the wise council and encouragement of my bible study girls. I feel so sorry for the Tovah that lived in Virgina, but it makes me appreciate the life and happiness I have now.  And today when I see my guys again I will be even happier.

I tried to make some attainable goals of what having my life in order would mean. Some of my goals were:

–Lose weight.

I went through a hard summer where stress stole my appetite. I shrunk and shrunk and became afraid of the scale because I knew I was getting too skinny. So I forced myself to eat three meals a day and when food finally starting interesting to me again I ate and ate. The next summer I was so confused that my clothes were tight and didn’t fit anymore. Although I kept buying bigger clothes I thought that I couldn’t have put on THAT much weight right? Wrong. My body that had shrunk down to a size four one summer couldn’t even fit into a size 10 the next. Although I didn’t see it in person the photos of me didn’t lie. In fact it was the expensive family pictures we took last July that pushed me over. So many pictures were nice, but I would have liked them more if I had liked the way I looked. So finally I started working out at Clark’s gym and adjusting my diet. Although I still have rough days where I wish I was seeing more body change from my workouts I have progressed from wanting to lose weight to wanting to be healthy and strong. The gym has not only helped change my body but also given me some new friends, more confidence in myself and has given me something to share with Clark.

–Get a job.

Oh my gosh, getting a job. How long have I been talking about getting a real job? I still haven’t really done that because the job I have right now is part time and doesn’t pay a wage I could live on. I am thankful to have a job, any job, since it has been so hard for to get one. It is so discouraging for me to send out resume after resume and never hear anything back. This one just fell into my lap! However it made me really sad the other day when Clark and I were talking and he worried about what would happen to me if anything ever happened to him. Although I think I could carry on I realized I have never fully supported myself. In college and the year after my parents helped me out by paying my rent (and I paid for anything else.) Then I married Clark and he supports me financially. So although I like my job pretty well and the people I work for I still have this lingering thought that I should get a “real” job. It is something I am still thinking over but at least I have joined the work force again and am enjoying contributing to our household in that way.

–Fix up my marriage

I saw a sweet picture of an older couple that said “How do you think it is that we’ve been together for so long?” “It’s because we raised at a time when if something was broken you fixed it instead of throwing it away.” I feel really lucky that Clark wanted to work on our marriage with me. We reached a point after Virginia where we had grown apart and were unhappy. It was not easy to put aside the hurtful things (true things, but still hurtful) we said and keep pushing ahead and striving to recapture the love and delight in each other that had drawn us together. Lately I have been so happy and content. I know there are no guarantees that we won’t run into rough times again so I try to be really conscious of the happy times now. I try to appreciate the little everyday things and to express my appreciation. I say “I love you” a lot and maybe I overuse it but there are so many ways I love Clark. I love that he washes dishes and puts them away. I love that he is home to make messes so that I have utility in keeping the house clean and nice. Sometimes I say “I love you” and it really means “I am so glad you are here, physically, in my life after all we have been through.”

So although there are always various stresses in life I’ve been feeling pretty good about it lately. My golden birthday is coming up and I’m okay with that. I don’t feel the need to have some huge celebration just to prove that I exist.

In fact, although I love presents, this year I’m asking that anyone who was thinking of getting me a gift to instead do a random act of kindness. I’ll be writing more about that but for my birthday this year I am doing thirty random acts of kindness. I got this idea last year and it really spoke to me. I am lucky to live the life I have with Clark. Although there always things I could enjoy buying or getting, I don’t want for anything. So I’m still compiling a list of 30 acts of kindness and this month you’ll see me picking up trash on my walks around the neighborhood and paying the ferry fee for the person behind me and things like that. I’m feeling so good about life that I want to spread the love. Golden Birthday here I come!

15 months ago I flew to Oregon to say goodbye to my Grandma because we didn’t think she would make it much longer. She just passed away 30 minutes ago at the age 82. Tough old girl to whom I owe a lot of great memories. I’m not sad so much as I am thankful for the good times and knowledge that she isn’t suffering any more.

I don’t have much else to say really. Some of the great memories include her introducing me to Crocodile Dundee, a movie I frequently watched for years and which still reminds me of her. I remember going white water rafting with her and amazing summers in Oregon visiting her and my Uncle Rob. She always had Orange Milano cookies for me. I’m thankful I was able to see her fairly regularly while I was in college and five times or so over the past year. It wasn’t easy making a trip to see her but was always worth it, especially to see her light up when Remmy gave her loves.

Love you Grandma. Thanks for the great memories.

Me, my Grandma Jeanne and my Uncle Rob fifteen months ago.

Her back in the 70s. A photo my Aunt shared.